So here I am. Blessed in so many ways. Healthy body, loving husband, supportive family, good education, beautiful home, and a grateful attitude. But I’m stuck. Big time.
Depression slowly started creeping in several years ago. Initially diagnosed as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SADS), it then morphed into something different altogether. On top of that came a terrible ordeal with General Anxiety Disorder. I had suffered with panic attacks before, but had never experienced such a pervasive, all-consuming fear. Recognizing I needed help, I reached out to new health care providers, met with my spiritual counselor, read suggested books, and listened to countless YouTube videos. I am doing so much better.
If I take everything I’ve learned in the past few months, I can synthesize it into two life-altering revelations. One, I’m not who I think I am; and, two, I have to trust the mystery.
When I say I’m not who I think I am, it’s far deeper than simply feeling I’m not presenting the “real” me to the rest of the world. I’m referring to my inner core that some call divine presence or consciousness. Apparently, I need to do a deep dive to discover that authenticity. Something tells me it won’t be easy.
And as for trusting the mystery, well, that, too, won’t be easy. As a woman who always needs to feel in control, it’s not easy to accept. But I have no choice. I can’t go back to the way I was just several months ago.
As a writer, I’ve never shared much about myself. It’s always been my joy to share someone else’s story. As a writer, I’ve never journaled; it wasn’t purposeful. Today, with the launch of this website and the first of my blog posts, I’m shedding the past. I have to share my experiences and journal my reflections. Doing so will keep me focused on daily growth, inspire me to get in touch with the divine presence, and give me the courage to remember I am only in control of this one moment.